主题：往事，随想 -- letitbe

so I'm thinking about this crazy little thing called love.

1st of all, when ppl as old as me talk about love, we actually mean happily living together with someone, no drama no Z turn. So, little P kids who still have the luxury of going crazy about someone just for the heck of it, turn around and run as far as you can:)

They say the best kind of relationship is complementary. That is, if one person is hot-tempered in nature, it'd be better-off if the other party is mild in nature; if one person is introvert, the other had better be outgoing. This theory makes a lot of sense, and chances are you've already heard about more than enough about the justification-- so everybody's personality can be represented by a unique shape, with sharp edges here and there. If two ppl have their shapes perfectly fit into each other, with one's sharp edges accomodated by the other's blunt ones, then everybody gets to keep his/her character intact. Of coz there is no such thing as perfect fit (aka soul mate), but the general idea is there: if you find someone who have sharp edges overlapping with yours everywhere, then in order to be together, one or both ppl need to constantly make concessions to avoid clashes. Soon enough they will get worn out from their own compromises and yet fail to get much pleasure form each other's compromises--basically, a lose-lose situation.

Besides being able to live together without losing too much self identity, a complementary relationship is also a great way to enrich oneself. I believe in that every human interaction should at least benefit one side, either physically or spiritually. A complementary relationship is like a team with well-balanced members. One may be the driving force, while the other offers level-headed advice. One brings home the bacon, the other clean home and delicious meals. They can easily admire and learn from each other, and therefore not only helping each other dealing with blind spots in life but also broaden each other's horizon.

Now let's try and go beyond the aforementioned common sense. Complementation is no elixir to all relationships. For starters, the "sharp/blunt edge" metaphor gives the implication that they are neutral characteristics. In reality, while many aspects of a personality are neutral or have both pros and cons (for example, being introvert or extrovert is perfectly neutral; impatience usually accompanies high-efficiency while mildness could suggest indecision or weak will), some are just plain bad traits, such as being self-centered, intolerant, manipulative, etc. Those bad traits can be considered as extra share edges one carries, which would certainly diminish the chance of fitting with anyone. Even for those seemingly neutral traits, when taking to extreme they could still cause trouble. We know those ppl all too well. They are depicted everywhere in television-one is a good guy, one is a good girl, they couldn't work out simply coz either one is so righteous that they (I use they here for he/she for simplicity) fights the windmills, or so kind that they sacrifices their life for others, or so spiritual that they can't be satisfied emotionally, blablabla.

In order to get the whole picture, we should also get a bit more quantitative. The distinction of "neutral" or "good/bad" traits is certainly over-simplification. Both being outgoing, one person could be passionate, energic, and helpful, while another could be pompous, self-glorifying, and demanding. For the purpose of this discussion, one could roughly define the "goodness" of a trait based on one criterion: how pleasant it is to the other party. It may seem redundant to the complementation theory, but not exactly. Everyone can be drawn to a passionate guy who radiates life and ideals. Similarly everyone may feel the affinity to a sensitive girl who cares about ppl's feelings and treasures the earthly beauties that so many take for granted. On the other hand, a self-righteous control freak is rarely favored, and a nv wenqing who totally ignores the hardship of life and constantly gets obsessed with the tiniest detail can be a royal pain in anybody's buttock (OK I admit, I harbor certain level of potentially unwarranted prejudice against this population:P). It's not about your style, it's how well you play. Now things get easier (or maybe not...).

Yes, I'm advocating change here. I don't see what all the fuss of "accept who you are" is about. 10 years before I was still an ignorant and spoiled kid, 5 years ago I was still among the herd of pretentious wenqing and self-righteous fenqing (or so I imagined). I like changes and enjoy changes. In fact, if life doesn’t change after one reaches 30s or even 20s, what’s the point of living through the rest in repetition?

Maybe I should replace the word "change" to "learn" or "improve". If all happy families are the same, then I bet they are same in that both sides would make a point to "improve" themselves to accomodate each other. Nobody is born to be the perfect other half of anybody. So when you say "please accept who I am", the implication is simply that you'd rather keep all your edges intact and let the other party fit into your shape. Maybe that’s why they say it’s better to have a relationship where one party loves the other more. An easy way out of the conundrum, I must say. But an expedient one. News flash: love fades.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big believer of complementation in many ways. I just don’t think it should be seen as a substitute for mutual-respect, for willingness to support and please each other, for constant learning and improving. Improving your style, even changing it when necessary (who said we have to be single faceted?), should be an enjoyable experience in its own right.

Finally, I just wanna say being smart is really important. Smart people would easily understand each other, learn from past, respect the absolutes, and solve problems creatively. So if your reaction after reading this essay is to demand changes, I’m afraid you have totally missed the point. Nobody is smart in everything. But at least you should be smart enough to have a healthy dose of self-awareness and humility and do the following: 1. always try to put yourself in others’ shoes; 2. always have friends smarter than you by your side. That’s what I do anyway.

On that note, I rest my case.