主题：【文摘】西班牙大猩猩与女王的天体秀--美国娃笔下的世界史 -- 李根

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美国学生“创造”起历史来，丝毫不比“司马迁受多次宫刑”差，先贴一段美国史

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks (tax?)

in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post

without stamps. During the war, Paul Revere was throwing snowballs over

stone walls. (革命领袖咋这形象？）The dogs were barking and the peacocks

crowing, (鸡飞狗跳，够热闹的）， finally, the colonists won the war (殖民者

赢了？这学生够反动的！） and no longer had to pay for taxis (taxes)! (一字

之差，革命的目的咋变得这么渺小呢？！）

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contended Congress (够满意

的）。 Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin (该生大概想写，a Virginian, 一字之差，

Jefferson成了处男，死不瞑目啊） ， and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of

the Declaration of Independence. (头一回听说两位还是歌手，，该生大概是想写

Signer, not singer). Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in

his pocket (Franklin大概是机器猫）and a loaf of bread under each arm. （$%*

*`!) He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A

horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is

still dead. (叉总算没再回来）

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the father of

our country. (米国出生啦，够形象的） Then the Constitution of the United

States was adopted to secure domestic hostility (Constitution说：我容易吗？

不是亲生的不说，还得协调一家大小的关系） Under the Constitution the people

enjoyed the right to keep bare arms (right to bear arms, 规定一下儿让不让拿

枪也罢了，连光胳膊这样的事都要Constitution操心啊！）

Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest president. Lincolns mother died in

infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

(超人啊！） When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. (天体

啊） He said, "In onion there is strength." (in Union). Lincoln wrote the

Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back

of an envelope. (大概是Matrix 里才能有的情节）。He also freed the slaves by

signing the Ejacuation Proclamation (Emancipation 这么难写吗？) But the

Clue Clux Clan (KKK该改名为CCC) would torcher (torture） the ex-Negroes and

other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor (order, 够臭

的）。 On the night of April 14, 1965 (?!), Lincoln went to the theater and

got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. (这段太

有想象力了，先是瞧电影，还能被电影里的银射中），The believed assinator was

John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booths career. (

Lincoln被杀有啥重要的，可怜的Booth的明星之路就这么结束了）

France was in a serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before

it happened. (深刻！） The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French

Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars,

the crowned heads of Europe were rembling in their shoes. (瞧叉们这点儿出息

） Then the Spanish gorillas (guerrilla, ) came down from the hills and

nipped at Napoleons flanks. (这句太有感觉了， 大伙儿想象的出，西班牙大猩猩们

从山坡上冲下来，挠咬拿破仑下腰的奇景吗？！！） Napoleon became ill with

bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. (可能是在大猩猩那儿唠

的病根儿） He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a

baroness (baren) she couldnt bear children. (男爵夫人们小心了）

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British empire is in the

East and the sun sets in the west. (长学问啊） The government of England

was a limited mockery (有哲理）。 Henry VIII found walking difficult because

he had an abbess （abscess! ) on his knee. (谁要是有一尼姑在膝盖上也走不了

路）

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen, she was a success. (这女

人要是不嫁啊， 就是当了女王也是做人失败啊！切记！） When Elizabeth exposed

herself before her troops, (女王很前卫啊， 深知官兵们好哪口儿） they all

shouted, "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo

(Armada, 难道是个小号的？）. （看样子，天体盛很刺激军心嘛）

Queen Elizabeth was the longest queen, she sat on a thorn (throne) for 63

years. (女王针扎不进啊，太形象了） Her reclining years and finally the end

of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. (瞧人家这人品和觉悟！）

Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

• 这个是近来最强笑话之一,我来解释一下,