主题：让我在这个地界撒点野 -- 任意

人类血战前行的历史，正如煤的形成。微观化到个人身上，就是个全或无的过程。either you made it, or you didn't. I remember reading from an article about investment (and I'm paraphrasing here, in a very subjective way), that "every investor regards himself as special. He would rationalize others' failure and his own surviving (for now), and falsely concludes that he has something unique that will guarantee his ultimate success, while it often turns out that he's no different than many others, and his defeat is only a matter of time".

I have no f**king idea why I end up here why many of my peers seem to end up nowhere (not that here is really somewhere, in case you want to argue there:P). From kindergarten to senior high, there have always been ppl who performed as well as me, ppl who possessed qualities I myself lacked, ppl whose lives I would kill to live. Then a life altering event happened, be it getting in an elite high school or the entrance exam to college, somehow ppl around fell victim to the tempting fate while I emerged unscathed. If you want to call me smug, or argue that one misstep doesn't mean s**t, or that ordinary ppl can have extraordinary happiness or achievements, be my guest. My defence will just be:"yeh right". Like you really wanna switch life with them. Like what happens to all the unfortunate ppl are usually good things, not getting swallowed by oblivion, and sometimes never come back. If you don't have stories to tell (too busy having fun too little time getting to know others' lives, I guess? see, here the blessed forgetfulness conveniently kicks in already), I've got a bunch of them. I knew a girl from junior high, a compassionate, intelligent, beautiful girl, who suddenly had a revelation of the boredom and meaninglessness of life, during the admission exam of senior high school. She basically gave up and ended up in a "professional high school", aka the hotbed for douchebags and villains. When I met her again several years later, she seemed to still retain much of her gentle characters, which by itself is a remarkable thing. But she was scrambling for a decent job, and her demeanor seem to have altered in a sad way, suggestive of improper training in social manner. She told me about her incident during the exam, and some tragic things happening to her family afterwards. She told the whole story in such a composed manner, that I not only didn't think about offering help, but didn't even dare try comforting her. I never contacted her again. I was nobody and had nothing (which is still the case today), and I could't do s**t about it. So what's the use? Later, I experienced the same kind of sadness when reading "the unbearable lightness of being". It's the part when the kid noticing his mother, who just got abandoned by his father, went out with unmatched shoes. The kid went together with his mom, and fixed his eyes on the shoes for 2 hours without saying anything.

Damn the tone is becoming too sentimental. let's forget about stories and get right to the point. The point is, I guess I do have some ideas why ppl got a screwed-up life they don't deserve. They think they have time, and decide to wander off course a bit, and bad things happen (they've got eaten by beasts; they stray too far and couldn't find way back; they come to enjoy the wilderness too much to think about the "right track"). Or they think they are special, and decide to take a short cut to save time for other things (truth is, nobody is special. OK actually the truth is worse than that: somebody is indeed special, just not you). Or they suddenly get bored, or get stupid, or had a "revelation" (yeah, I thinks that word is almost as stupid and crazy to a young man/woman. if for nothing else, it left no room for the person to be "unrevealed" later and still live a normal life), and decide to mess up their lives. What's really happening, is that you will be held accountable for EVERYTHING you did. Whenever you spend time relaxing, indulging, debating, confusing, fooling around, you lost the opportunity to do other things, things that help you achieve your goals in life. You can argue you don't want that much from life. But if you are educated enough to read through this, and have enough passion about life, chances are you do want A LOT from life, be it money, fame, power, love, friendship, or simply more spare time. There is never something for nothing. You can worry about it later or you can do something right now. You're free to choose. But not thinking about the trade-off is so not the right attitude.

So, ppl who are too ugly/poor/socially retarded/ws/boring/insecure/ambitious/energetic/single to have real fun now, let's unite and work our ass off for a better future. Leave the party time to the fabulous ppl.

p.s.: damn, that's another 1h I'll never get back...:P

you get more spare time, when you think the time you spend doing some other things is wasted time? I mean, spare time, is the time you spend to do some other things, right? But then you think, I wasted time. So, basically, no time should be wasted. All time should be used for work?!

I guess I am totally lost in my life now. Waste so much time online...I thought I knew what I want for life, but I was wrong, I don't really know. I wished for love, I don't know if the passion I had when I was young was love, I don't know if the marriage I have now is love. How do you tell the difference between love and responsibility? I wished for more spare time. But more work now doesn't mean more spare time later.

And I am so afraid that I will be held accountable for EVERYTHING I did. I have wasted so much time already. I hate that I could not be a robot and only work. I hate the fact that I can not make my life please to myself. I think, most of all, I hate I don't have anybody who love me for who I am. But then again, I don't know who I am either. I don't think I like myself either. I do hope I could be a robot. I do hope all I have to do everyday is work. I do hope I don't have any emotions. I do hope that I will never hope for happyness again. I do hope that I will have no hope for life ever.